Doctoral Journey: Month Four

“Three turns should do it, I think” — Dumbledore

August - September 2024

Dear Reader,

Fall semester has begun… and boy, have I struggled! This will be a short post.

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In The Prisoner of Azkaban, Hermione Granger had a mechanism called a “Time-Turner.” Essentially, it gave her extra hours in the day, enabling her to handle additional classes and solidify her title of most intelligent person ever. It didn’t allow her to be in two places at once; it just gave her more time to do everything that needed to be done. If two classes were at the same time, she’d roll the Time-Turner back a turn, then take the other class. Voila! Problem solved!

I found myself wishing I had a Time-Turner last week. The weight of deadlines, responsibilities, and unreasonable (self-imposed) expectations converged like a vortex at the start of the semester.

Desiring to be a present husband and father while also being the accessible and helpful pastor and brilliant student kept me from being any of them entirely. It felt like while engaging with one aspect of life, I was feeling guilty about not attending to the other. This caused a feeling of discontentment and dissatisfaction to linger like a foul odor whose source is hidden.

Last Friday, while studying Leibniz’s Ontological Argument for the Existence of God in the local coffee shop — BTW, the argument goes: 1) If God is possible, God exists. 2) God is possible. 3) Therefore, God exists — a barista asked me how things were going. In a moment of reflexive honesty, I didn’t say, “Fine.” Instead, I mentioned how busy I was and concluded with, “If only I had Hermione’s Time-Turner.” Everyone who heard laughed in agreement.

In a busy world, we think the solution is having more time. “God, please make the sun stand still?” (10 points for your house if you can identify the source of this quote.) But if we had more time, we’d cram it with more of the same things that are causing our discontent and dissatisfaction.

By the end of the book, Hermione was a frantic mess. She missed a class — something highly uncharacteristic to her, slapped Draco Malfoy (he had it coming!) and was short with her friends. The problem for her and us is how we use the time we have.

That is also the solution. We are to use the time we have faithfully and with gratitude, “redeeming it,” as Paul advises, “for the days are evil” (Ephesians 5:16.) This doesn’t mean we can’t have busy schedules or many responsibilities; it means we control the time, we steward it. We aren’t controlled by it.

That same day in the coffee shop, I decided that I would restart my once-healthy practice of observing the sabbath from 12 pm to 12 pm. For me, that previously meant no church work; I’ve now added schoolwork to the list. I realized that I had once again slipped into the fearful mode of existence that prioritizes getting things done over resting in God. I haven’t come out of the fog, but by God’s grace, it’s dissipating.

I’m grateful to be able to pursue a ThD; indeed, I believe it is the path God has given me and the family that will open many new doors for ministry. I will continue becoming the kind of person God wants me to be, uniquely equipped to do the work he has in store.

That being the case, this is a truth about reality that I must remember and align with:

Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. — Psalm 127:1-2

The bread of anxious toil has been my portion thus far this semester. It doesn’t satisfy. It’s the opposite of Lembas, which is the kind of bread God gives to those who work hard from a place of resting and relying upon him.

Well, I promised this post would be short, and I’d better end now to keep that promise.

Thank you for reading and for your prayers.

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